on the small comfort of being in on the joke

Luke 13:24 "Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able."

I have been noticing lately, rather unwillingly, that the trajectory and narrative of my life makes perfect sense, if only I will accept the notion that I am not god's child. That my essence is not derived from him. It all dovetails quite seamlessly, really.
Perhaps, in the end, the way I will glorify god will be by my damnation. Perhaps it is my destiny to be a living illustration of the truth that no matter how hard one may try, no matter how earnest, sincere and diligent - that no one attains to the state of blessed union with god, unless god has chosen them from the foundations of the earth. That may sound unjust to some, but to those of us who have tried their hardest, we can testify that it really isn't. Because we have come face to face with our own intrinsic condemnation, the horror that is at our core. We have seen that our silly, fumbling attempts at being a disciple, our ludicrous mockery of what it means to be spiritual, our childish mimicry of obedience to and oneness with the the spirit of Christ, are all just sad shams that fool no one - except ourselves, for awhile; thin veneers cloaking a nature that can be nothing other than condemned. And not out of any injustice or cruelty on god's part, simply because he is compelled by his own honesty to call a spade a spade.

A careful study of my life would reveal his kindness, his faithfulness, and his goodness; It would be evident to all that he has loved me without wavering. That he has extended his mercy to me, tenderly coaxed, and carefully shepherded me. And indeed, I have earnestly responded. But in the end, we are not saved by earnestness, but by him. Unless he has chosen me from the beginning to be found in Christ, all my efforts, all my attempts at obedience, all my sincere striving, will be for naught. My ultimate destiny will be to fail to rest in and receive the gospel of his grace. And in that case I will unavoidably be one of those in whose heart is embedded the fine print that follows and haunts all the promises of the scripture.

In so doing, my existence will be both a display of his genuine love and kindness, as well as a simultaneous demonstration of his ultimate sovereignty. In that the redeemed are so only because he willed it, not because they did.

It all makes sense, really. If this is the case, I honestly accept it, albeit with a certain sadness. And a parting thanks to him for his love as he hung on the cross. In fact, it gives me a sort of peace.

Romans 9:22 "What if God, wanting to show His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath prepared for destruction..."

sar-don-ic: adjective. Characterized by bitter or scornful derision; mocking; cynical; sneering. It may have it's origin in a Sardinian plant, which when eaten was believed to produce convulsive laughter ending in death.